A Terrible Review of Star Trek

Before my viewing of the new Star Trek film I heard somebody say that it was a great popcorn flick.  With this in mind, I headed into my matinee screening with a large bucket of buttered popcorn.  I anticipated my friend would help me eat this popcorn but to my surprise he’d already eaten a “big breakfast.” (he’s a bit of a country boy)  Whatever, not a big deal.  I thought he’d change his mind once we sat down and the previews started but he NEVER reached over for the obligatory popcorn grab.  Not even once!  So there I was facing a large tub of freshly popped corn all by lonesome.  You probably thought I didn’t finish it, don’t you?  Well, I’m embarrassed to report that you’d be wrong, fair reader.  I am like a dog when it comes to movie popcorn; I have an insatiable appetite and will eat it until I become ill…then I’ll eat it some more (I ended up getting a free refill).  Needless to say but holy balls did I get a nasty stomachache!  My belly was in so much pain that it was really hard to focus on my immediate surroundings, let alone the movie that was playing 40 feet away.  But the parts I did catch I recall good memories.  There were colorful costumes, intricate sets, neat special effects and attractive people talking about time travel and their relationships and shit.  It was pretty cool.  You should check it out but be warned: popcorn does not enhance the experience!